Flashback/Still Me


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YEP..me

That was my constant state at the age of sixteen.  Reflective, contemplative, dreamy.  I didn’t find out until years later that what others saw when they looked at me was “sad” or “unhappy” or, better yet, “stuck up”. That one was a personal favorite and it gave me quite a chuckle. What in the entire world would I ever have to be stuck up about, I wondered.  And how bizarre the game of perception is.  If only they knew how tortured I was to even look them in the eye, to have to stand up in a full classroom and talk about me.  

At a very early age I learned to turn inward and began the process of creating, trying to bring out the questions in my brain while shedding light on the pain in my heart.  I just seemed to feel so much. I still do.  While I am mentally matured, my body certainly is showing signs of age, and my understanding of my purpose thankfully seems more clear these days, I have to say that my heart and soul have not changed a bit since that tender age.

I have had a few recent events which have pulled up the old tendencies of self-doubt, sorrow and insecurity which plagued my teen and young adult years.  The difference is that I can no longer plunge into the dark shadows of self loathing as I once did.  I know better.  I can shed a few tears, curse myself for a while; but then I have to let it go.  It still helps to write about it though.  That is what writing does for one-anyone.  It is a way to talk to the universe, or whoever else is paying attention, and to share oneself.

Ever since I awoke this morning, a little song has been playing in my head-from out of nowhere (as if) it came, invading my senses and I was singing it aloud before I realized it.  Instantly I knew it was my mother, right there with me, talking to me in that firm, but loving way she had when there was a point to be made.  I knew it was she who prompted that little song to plague me.  It has been with me all day and  I am happy to say it really hit home.  That little children’s hymn sung in church schools all over the world will always remain a favorite.  So, I say to you, “let it shine, let it shine, let is shine..”

Below is a poem I wrote at that age of sixteen, when life was only beginning to present me with the challenges I had signed up for.  My mother would be gone in less than a decade and I would have my first of four sons to begin raising without her wisdom or guidance-born just two weeks before her passing.  She liked this poem when I read it to her. One of my little accomplishments in school, it made it into the publication that year.

Why

At times, dear Lord, I’m so confused.

Time flashes by, and I feel so abused.

Why must I make friends, just to lose-

the roads always wrong that I seem to choose?

Why must happiness be fleeting and rare,

understanding so sparse, when I need care?

Why must failure be a frequent guest

at my heart’s door to give me unrest?

Why must peace be just our of touch,

when I want to grasp what my heart needs so much?

Why must tears always dampen my eyes?

Why is life filled with so many goodbyes?

Why is there love burning deep within

when all he wants is to be a friend?

Why can’t I see you and hear your voice?

I am always faced with some difficult choice.

Yet, I know the answers, even as I ask.

I know why each new day is such a task.

You love me so much, you won’t settle for less

than what you know to be my best.

Thank you, Lord for giving me pain-

the weeds of confusion and blinding rain.

For there will be pastures of green tomorrow

and a welcome ease from the burden of sorrow.

After the rain comes a splendid rainbow

and I know that I an only grow

stronger.

Cheryl Kimble

1975

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Mom and Me 1959

This is for you, Mama

Thanks for always being there for me..

click on the link.

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22 thoughts on “Flashback/Still Me

  1. I really related to this account of your teens; your poem sounds like the prayer I would have prayed, very probably around the same time as you from the look of the dates. The poignancy of the photograph, so bitter sweet, is also something that reaches into my heart and stirs my own feeling of love lost but still so close. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I am happy it resonated with you Julia. That is always my hope in sharing my thoughts and experiences. We are all one after all. I am sorry for the things you may have suffered in your life but I also know these things make us who we are as empathic, loving people in the end. Thank you for reading…:)

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      1. Thanks. It has only taken 54 years…they are still there sometimes but they are now lit by the greatest love of all. The only love which completes us is our own, my friend.

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  2. We’re always going to be perceived differently to how we feel inside. People will never know us that deeply or intimately. But as long as we take the time to get to know ourselves, that’s the important thing, because then we don’t end up continuously seeking permission to be someone in other people’s eyes.
    Of course I wouldn’t expect you to come to that or any other conclusion at sixteen.

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting. Indeed it takes years to come to most rational conclusions about ourselves; and even then our emotional selves still play a part. I appreciate your words

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  3. Wow, Cheryl, you seem to have been misunderstood in the same way that I was. I was always the silent observer – even in films made by my parents, I was having fun, just quietly and a little removed from the action. I’ve been called an “ice queen,” and I can assure that I am nothing of the sort. “It is a way to talk to the universe….” Wow – I could have never said it better. Even if no one reads these posts, they’re still there. Out there, and said. I am glad that you feel your mom, and that her presence is positive for you.

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    1. Thank you so much for vsiiting and leaving me a note Karen. I am osrry for the pain of awkwardness you may have felt growing up. It does not matter where one lands in this life, the struggles are universal. I appreciate your compassionate soul and kind words. I hope you will visit me here again. Anytime. 🙂

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  4. Well I hope you are happy! Cheryl! 🙂
    You just made an old man cry,
    That was so beautiful,I don’t remember ever reading anything that was so much heart felt,and those photos are so precious your mom was a very beautiful lady,and I love the one of you such memorie!
    Cling to those!
    You have a wonderful day,and week my friend!

    Marion,

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    1. Oh I’m sorry dear friend for the tears, but sometimes they are good aren’t they? I am so lad you liked the post and thank you for reading and for the kind compliment for my mother. I live her very much and miss her always, although finally it does not cause me pain. I know she remains with me always. You have a greatw week. Sending warm thoughts your way.

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  5. Beautiful poem… I can relate to the words and the emotions behind them. Now I see why your poems are so great! You’ve been perfecting your craft since your teenage years and, even then, your words were outstanding. Also, your mom was a pretty lady 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much Lysa. She was beautiful but suffered from alot of sadness from her childhood. She was a loving wife and mother and always made me feel loved in a world that seemed so scary to me. I will always miss her. I appreciate your reading. 🙂

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